The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
