I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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