Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
