i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
