i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
