I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
