dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
