My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
