the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
