i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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