At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
