I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
