if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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