I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I supernannyed him into submission
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
