Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
