Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
