Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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