I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
