Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
