then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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