Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sext me about skeletons
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
