I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
