Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
