Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
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