I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
