After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
