She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
