Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
