I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
