At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
