new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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