we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
