I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
