You just made me feel so damn special
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
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