just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
