forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
