Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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