my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
