R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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