Don't make out with my wife yet
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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