Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
