Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
