That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
