when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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