I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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