You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
