failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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