I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
