I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
