You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love having hate sex.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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